The anonymity of internet provides me the possibility of being petty, jealous , unreasonable and plain and simple wrong without the fear of being judged by another person.
No one here knows who I am and even if you think I am the most ridiculous person it doesn't matter. The people I care about will never read this.
This is my way of venting out my frustrations, sadness and failures and putting it out there gives me a feeling of sharing. I have realized that as an individual I am not good at sharing even with the people closest to me. I am scared to show my weakness or burdening them with my insecurities. I like coming across someone who has a handle on things but to be truthful sometimes I am the most clueless person going around.
I have the most loving husband and family but I still cry in my car because I don't want them to see me as weak.
Lets just say I have not had the easiest time in the last 5 years. Life has given me lemons and I have made margaritas but 4 years later I feel the fight in me is dying and I am engulfed with this sudden sadness at times for which I have no cure,
Could be it postpartum depression? I had a baby recently so maybe it's that or maybe it is me trying to intellectualize something and not acknowledging that I am actually not as strong as I always thought I was.
So to give myself some semblance of sharing I am starting this blog where I share my deep dark secrets which I have not shared with anyone.
5 years back I was a carefree young adult cruising through life. I had a great job, had recently got married to my long time boyfriend, bought our first house and was enjoying the life to the fullest and then life hit me hard. I was diagnosed with cancer. My immediate response -fight. I decided I couldn't break down because if I did then it would also break the people closest to me. They were taking their cues from me. If I laughed they did, if I cried they did too. I was angry at God for doing this to me and as a retaliation I wanted to get back to my old life as soon as possible. Put the whole cancer fiasco behind me and pretend as if it never happened. I don't think I ever opened up and talked about it to anyone. I just took on the role of being the pillar of support for the whole family. And 8 months later I was successful. I had gone through surgery, chemo and radiation and put the whole thing behind me. I went back to work and resumed my old life but the scars were still there - both literally and figuratively and there was no magic eraser which could help me get rid of those scars.
The first 6 months went fine and then I was diagnosed with lymphedema. My doctors had indicated that their was a 2% chance that I would get it but I did and with that I lost a bit more of my eternal optimism. So you see I was basically this optimist or you could say naive and foolish person who thought that these things would never happen to me. When I first felt the tumor I was certain that it would be nothing but it was not nothing. I still held on to my optimism when I was told the surgery could cause lymphedema I thought that I would not get it but I did too. And then slowly with every scare and every new symptom I lost a little more of that optimism which got us to where I am today.
I am losing my battle against cancer. Not physically but mentally. I am getting a little tired of fighting this battle and I am tired of fighting it alone when I am surrounded by so many people I love.
Consider me foolish but they are the ones with whom I have the most trouble sharing my feelings. I don't want to upset them or I am too weak to accept their grief on my behalf.
And to whoever is reading this. I am sure you can come back with an argument that a lot of people have it worse and I know that. I should be grateful for what I have but sometimes I need a pity party and this is where I will come in future for it.
Adios! Stay happy and stay healthy!!