I remember...

what it's like to sit on the porch swing during a thunderstorm and count the seconds between the lightning and thunder while my grandfather, smelling of pipe tobacco and cologne put his arm around me and swung us back and forth

what it's like to walk down the hill through the woods, wading through 2 feet of snow in nothing but a cheerleading uniform, varsity jacket and little white tennis shoes and finally getting to the house with red skin on our legs and laughing at how stupid we were

what it meant to play spin the bottle at 13

the feeling of being utterly inconsequential while looking down into the mouth of a bubbling, smoking volcano goddess and finally, for the first time in my life, realizing that there is something more powerful than me at work in the world

lying awake in bed, cousins all around, listening to the grown-ups talk and laugh and swear and play cards and drink and have the best time while we giggled under the covers and hearing grandma and uncle don say "goddamnit!" (those were really happy holidays, all of us together, friends as children, now strangers as adults...)

the electricity and raw hunger the last time I kissed someone I really, REALLY physically wanted

feeling the panic at not being able to say goodbye in person and knowing that she would soon be dead without hearing me say how much I loved her

the look in his eyes when he realized that I was going for good

I remember...